To live an authentic lifestyle means to understand the feeling that comes with living an inauthentic lifestyle. In 2014, as an 18 year old, active duty service member, I was locked in. The contract I signed with the U.S. military kept me enlisted for 4 whole years…. 4 WHOLE YEARS! I didn’t realize it then, but when I recall this time in my life, I was miserable. Depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues dominated my entire being for those 4 years. I hid my true feelings by exercising for 3-4 hours a day and by consuming large quantities of alcohol when given the chance (no, I wasn’t 21!). When leaving the military, I felt wonderful. The inkling of freedom I grasped and the overwhelming sense of joy started to fade as soon as I entered the workplace. My jobs after I left the military, in this order, were: carpet cleaner, car salesman, uber driver, best buy, lifeguard, and full-time college student all the while. In all of these environments, I had one common feeling every…single… day… I FELT LOST IN THE SAUCE. I knew the jobs weren’t for me, but what do ya do when you need money to help support family while chasing your goals? Work. I had this idea that if I found the perfect job, or the perfect major, I would be happy. I WAS DEAD WRONG!
Throughout my experience as a psychology major and a graduate student studying clinical counseling, I learned that people tend to overestimate the things that will make them happy. Win the lottery and you’re back to normal feelings of dread in about 6 months… Get married and the honeymoon phase eventually fades out… Think about your last vacation. The time spent anticipating the trip was probably extremely exciting and motivating leading up to the trip. The day that vacation started might’ve been a little less exciting. About a day or 2 in, you’re already anticipating heading back home and the typical worries and responsibilities waiting for you upon your return. All of this to say, happiness is a temporary feeling we sometimes experience, just like sadness, frustration, and embarrassment. How can we exist and be true to ourselves, since we know times will inevitably get hard in your life? The key is in finding your true self, and chasing the things that give your life meaning.
So, here are 7 tips for living an authentic life:
1. Inventory your values.
This question, I’ve noticed, always trips people up: “What do you value in life?” Looks of confusion and concern usually follow this question. The emotions behind this question probably come from a place of “Wow. How have I never thought about this?” It’s okay. If you had this reaction, you are not alone! The time to pinpoint these values is now. Family? Career? Accomplishment? It’s possible that you’re neglecting some of your values- we live in a crazy world run by screens- no one blames you for the neglect. WE ALL DO IT. However, being mindful of this can help you achieve the authentic life you’re longing for. Check out this values inventory here to help get going: https://personalvalu.es/
2. Move with intention.
Once you’ve done the deep work of values clarification, the journey toward reaching these values in every aspect of your life can begin. With your values in mind, take steps that promote the fulfillment of these values. Chances are, if you can start making decisions with values in mind, you may start to feel a change in many facets of your life.
3. Chase joy, not happiness.
Again, human beings (which I’m assuming you are… right?) tend to overestimate the things that will make us happy. The real pleasure in life comes from joy. Joy is more of a state of being that comes with the journey, in contrast to happiness which is more fleeting and is met by certain experience and circumstances. Shakespeare wrote, “Things won are done, joy’s soul lies in the doing.” Never forget that life is a journey, and sometimes the greatest adventures come from the journey and not the destination.
4. Embrace the power of choice.
Sometimes life gives us options, and sometimes we feel like we are out of options. Both instances, however, have the inherent inevitability of choice: we choose an option whether we want to or not. Once you embrace that life is a series of choices we make, both internal and external (choosing your attitude vs. choosing an actual life circumstance or scenario), you can work towards making those choices that will lead to living your most authentic life.
5. Understand the strength in isolation.
Ahh, isolation. The idea of being alone. Gosh, that sounds lonely, eh? Well let’s reframe this here: yes, we are all technically alone in our own body for our entire existence. Yes, it can oftentimes be lonely, especially when you feel that no one truly understands you. But with this in mind, you can remind yourself that in this isolated existence, you have yourself to find, and only you. This ideal reminds me of the old saying, ” You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.” Until you find your authentic self, you may go through life trying to fit in with others, and disregarding that you exist in your own body with your own ideas that no one can take away from you. Embrace this. Find yourself. Everyone else will thank you for it!
6. Find your purpose.
Life is one big mystery. People often question their existence. They often turn to religion and other moral and spiritual pursuits to find their true north. The commonality of these pursuits is purpose. Living a life through purposeful direction is the key to finding joy and meaning along life’s great expedition.
7. Reorient your mindset: chase values, not goals.
It’s very easy to get caught up in this world of materialism. We always want the next best thing. Traditionally, men are taught to set goals and achieve them by any means possible. This mindset of achievement leads to achievement-based self-esteem. A man’s whole state of being comes to rest on what he achieves in life. No wonder so many men are highly depressed and drowning their low self-esteem in bottles of whiskey. Constant comparisons on social media, and the feelings of worthlessness that accompany men when they feel they haven’t reached their true potential, lead to a life full of sadness and despair.
While goals are certainly useful, the goals you set need to align with your values. If you value achievement and career, you’ll find that dead-end jobs are not your fortè. You’ll need something with the chance of promotion and awards. If you value family, working a 60-hour-a-week gig might not be for you. Remember, your self-esteem doesn’t have to be based on achievement, and by just being mindful of your values can help you live a meaningful, authentic life.
I haven’t always followed these 7 tips myself. In fact, only within the last year have I really come to grasp the concept I laid out here. The fantastic thing is how quickly your life can change when you try to live more authentically and be your true self.
I hope you found these 7 tips helpful and that you use them on your journey to living a more authentic life!
– Reece